Tag Archives: Gay

Gay Men Are Filthy Skanks. Why Don’t Right-Wingers Care?

I barely know any gay people in monogamous relationships.

There’s Matt, whose boyfriend lets him screw anyone he wants as long as it’s a) in a sauna and b) not in Copenhagen, where they share a one-bedroom apartment.

There’s Hank and Kevin, one of the couples married in California in 2008 whose marriage is now in legal Mordor. They both fool around with guys they meet on the internet, and tell each other everything.
‘We have sex with other people more than we have sex with each other,’ Hank says.

There’s Michael, who hasn’t slept with his husband Harry in eight years, though they both have sex with other people. Harry prefers saunas, Michael prostitutes.

There’s Doug, who meets guys on the internet while his boyfriend is at work.
‘Does he know about this?’ I ask.
‘He must,’ Doug says.

There’s Malcolm, who has been in a monogamous relationship for eight months and is preparing the ‘let’s open it up’ talk before his next trip to Berlin.

There’s Christian and Philippe, who scout Berlin nightclubs for thirds.
‘We’re totally monogamous,’ they tell me, ‘as long as you don’t count threesomes.’

These are just anecdotes, I tell myself, not indicative of anything beyond the fact that my circle of acquaintances is basically a three-ring skank circus.

It would be easier if there were any decent numbers available on this.

New research at San Francisco State University reveals just how common open relationships are among gay men and lesbians in the Bay Area. The Gay Couples Study has followed 556 male couples for three years — about 50 percent of those surveyed have sex outside their relationships, with the knowledge and approval of their partners.

It’s a tiny sample, from one promiscu-city, on America’s gayest coast.

I find it genuinely interesting that, of all the arguments against gay marriage, ‘they’re all filthy skanks’ is one that rarely gets aired. Gay marriage, the Republican in my head goes, gives state support to couples that are fucking each other silly, and therefore sillifies the entire institution.

The obvious counterargument to this is that heterosexual marriages aren’t any more faithful than gay ones. Straight people are fucking one another on reception desks and pool decks and business trips, they’re just not telling their spouses about it. The only thing gays are doing more of, goes the left-winger, is disclosing.

I’d like that to be true, (I guess?), but I can’t ignore the fundamental fact that cheating on your spouse and not getting caught is really hard. If my wife doesn’t want me screwing anyone else, cheating requires meeting in sketchy motels, deleting text messages, using a separate credit card, etc. Plus the social and financial consequences of getting caught. Obviously it’s not enough of a disincentive to prevent every married man from cheating, but it’s enough for some.

If my husband doesn’t care if I sleep around, however, there’s no clumsy logistics, no stifling guilt, no horrifying confrontation. It’s such a non-disincentive for nonmonogamy it’s practically a reward.

So I guess what I’m saying is that gay people must be more infidelitous than straights. Our social norms are newer, less biblical, more awesome. We made them ourselves!

This view is oversimplified, borderline homophobic, not backed up by robust research and completely ignores lesbian relationships. In other words, it’s perfect. So why hasn’t the right wing used this as a talking point? Has seriously no one told them?

Tom is one of my only friends who’s not in an open relationship. He lives in Seattle, and he’s been cheating on his boyfriend, who lives in Chicago, for two years. He’s trying to talk his boyfriend into opening the relationship.
‘The minute I convince him to sleep with someone else,’ Tom tells me over gchat, ‘he loses the moral high ground, and I don’t feel guilty anymore.’
‘haha you’re a monster,’ I type.
‘Not if I can pull this off,’ Tom replies.

Fifty percent of the time, gay marriage is a synonym for open marriage. I don’t know what this means for us as individuals, a country, a culture. I’m just glad no one seems to have noticed.


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Bigotry is like Pac-Man

If you're not gonna be all dignified and Brokeback about it, you might as well have your gay characters be so horrifically stereotypical that they overshoot offensiveness and end up back at acceptable again:

Gay Robot

I'm not being ironic; this shit has me in stitches — every time! — and I can't stop doing the voice. I have no idea if the creators of this meant it as some sort of postmodern gay rights cannonball, or if they truly set out to mock gay culture. Luckily, it's funny enough that I don't give a shit.

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Don’t mistake politeness for acceptance


I'm reading Edmund White's 'States of Desire: Travels in Gay America', which I found in a bookstore outside of Sydney for $2. It was written in 1980, the final year of un-ballasted gay hedonism. It opens with a passage about L.A.:

The almost Oriental politeness of the West Coast is one of its distinctive regional features, in marked contrast to the contentiousness of the East Coast. On e may grumble at a television performer out West but never at someone appearing 'live'. So few human contacts in Los Angeles go unmediated by glass (either a TV screen or an automobile windshield), that the direct confrontation renders the participants docile, stunned, sweet.
The polite friendliness of Californians is an ambiguous quality. Within the first ten minutes a visitor is showered with affection and familiarity, but that may be as close as one is ever likely to get to someone out West. This openhanded but superficial civility, linked to an obdurate and profound reticence, is precisely the granite wedge that all those hostile forms of California therapy are trying to dynamite. There is, however, a great public if not personal benefit to be derived from uniform good manners. People are able to cooperate. They can accomplish things.

This reminds me of Seattle, how everyone you meet is instantly welcoming and impressed with you, but that's as far as you ever get. Denmark has poured some bitter black coffee into the sweet cream of my West Coast superficio-ductions, but I still catch myself doing this.


I also liked this part about a New York acquaintance moving out to LA.

His tenement pallor is giving way to a tan. His monologue pauses occasionally now for reflection or even for listening, and he has discovered in California that politeness I have mentioned, which he mistakes for acceptance.


I'm only on page fucking 21, and I can't stop quoting this thing:

'The real problem here,' [He's now quoting a gay psychotherapist in LA] 'is that smart people don't know each other. In a large nomadic population such as the gay group in this city, the rules must be kept very simple. In Los Angeles the one rule is sexual display and curiosity. Even the most brilliant man, once he is at a party, will succumb to the general vapidness. From nine to five these people are bright, clever, grownup, but after five they become emotional morons. At parties there are no serious conversations and little real warmth. People arrive an hour late (a sign of hostility) and leave saying it was a terrible bore. Of course they were disappointed; what they needed was companionship but what they thought they wanted was sexual adventure.'


You have to resist the impluse to nostalgize this period in contemporary gay life. It's tempting to reclaim the pre-AIDS period in 'those were the days' terms. But they weren't, objectively. A lot of these men were profoundly damaged. No one was out of the closet. The cops openly harassed gay bars and assaulted patrons. Legal and civil rights were nonexistent, as everyone in this book would discover in the next decade. Still, it's hard to not to find a wistful sigh on every page. 

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The accidental fetish tourist

You know how parents are always worried about their kids searching for something innocuous on the internet and then ending up being exposed to a bunch of unseemly shit? Like they Google 'juice box' and end up on piss-on-this-face.com?

Every once in awhile that happens in real life.

So we went to Berlin last weekend. The end of summer! Cultural capital! This'll be fun, right?

We didn't know that the first weekend of September is the Folsom Street Fair in Berlin. Apparently every homosexual in Europe is aware of this except for us.

Folsom is a gathering of the 'fetish community' from around Europe. Which pretty much means that it's about 10,000 middle-aged homosexuals in leather, drinking beer and lamenting the weekend's carb intake. Think of it like the European equivalent of a State Fair, except the petting zoo pets back.

Once we figured out that it was in Berlin at the same time we were, we thought we would go check it out. There was a nice Central European dude handing out fliers at the entrance, yelling 'Come and meet your fellow perverts!'

So we went, we chatted, we learned and we took pictures. I was going to preface these with some kind of disclaimer, like 'This is not representative of gay life in general. We'll stop doing this shit if you let us get married!' or something. But I'm not going to apologize for these people. They're just hanging out and having fun in a way that makes them feel comfortable, and they're not remotely bothering anyone else.

Besides, we actually had a really good time. Everyone we chatted to was way friendly, nobody minded us giggling at their bove-wear, and they were all happy to answer our I-grew-up-in-Repressostan questions. Plus, they all let me take their picture.

So if you really need to distance yourself from this, just remember: These people aren't weird because they're gay. They're weird because they're German.


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Copenhagen hosts major gay sporting event; heterosexuals spend week indoors

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Gaymerican writes speech for prominent Danish homosexual

I'm kind of enjoying the fetus of a speechwriting career I've somehow umbilical'd over the course of this year. I've written three speeches for my boss to give to companies, one for my boss-boss to give to the European Parliament and now one for my buddy to give to a throng of drunk, sunburned homosexuals.

My friend HC is the president of the Danish National Association of Gays and Lesbians, and he asked me to write the speech he delivered at the closing ceremony of Copenhagen Gay Pride this year. It was a special year, since the Pride took place at the end of the 10-day Copenhagen OutGames, which are pretty much the gay Olympics and sort of my favorite thing ever now.

Some estimates say that 50,000 people were in the square to hear the speech, but you know how gays inflate numbers. It was probably more like 125 people.

Anyway, here's a snip of what I wrote for him. The full Eva Peron is here.

As most of you know, there was an incident on Tuesday where one spectator thought it’d be a good idea to go to one of the Outgames sporting events and throw fireworks onto the field. A few of them exploded and an American runner was injured.

Now… The problem with harassing gay athletes is that they’re athletes. A couple of them ran after him and held him down until police arrived. He’s now detained by the police, the sports events continued and the runner was already back the next day to participate.

You know, one of the first messages of the gay rights movement was ‘We’re Here, We’re Queer, Get Used to It’. After this week, I’m looking forward to seeing the banners saying ‘We’re Here, We’re Queer, and We Can Run Faster Than You.’


In October 2009 Denmark celebrates its 20th anniversary as the first country in the world to let same-sex couples enter a civil union. Last weekend we paid honor to Axel Axgil, the founder of our organization and the first man ever to get married to another man. Axel’s presence here demonstrated to me that we’re all a part of something larger.

LGBT people and activists have been around long before I was just a skinny boy in Jutland—realizing I fancied other skinny boys in Jutland. It also made me realize that there are a lot more Axel Axgils out there, waiting for the world to tell them that the future has room for them too.

Events like the OutGames are a way for us to deliver that message. The OutGames is special because it’s an event where lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgender people can come together and represent not how we love, but what we love. The OutGames lets the world know that we really are everywhere. We’re in your families, we’re at your workplace, we’re on your sports field and yes, we’re in your locker rooms.

People are always talking about ‘the gay community’. But sometimes ‘the gay community’ is hard to see. You know, for a group defined by the term ‘homo’, we’re a pretty diverse bunch.

Some of us are from small towns, others from big cities. Some of us work in fashion or theater, others are plumbers and electricians. Some of us get up early every morning to go swimming, others think the backstroke is something you get at a massage parlor.

What I’m trying to say is, we’re here to celebrate not what makes us different, but what makes us the same.

It’s important for us to acknowledge that the gay community also includes a lot of people who couldn’t join us this week. And I’m not just talking about the members of our community who live in places where it’s illegal or unsafe to be out and open. No matter where you go, whether it’s Moldova or Massachusetts, you’ll find people struggling to be themselves, people who need to hear that the rest of the world supports them.

The OutGames sets an example to LGBT people around the world. It also sends a message to all the straight people: We are everywhere. We are united. And we can run faster than you.

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Gays in the military will ‘create an unacceptable risk to standards of morale and unit cohesion’


I know I'm supposed to get all pissed off about statements like that, from a pedophile-faced Oklahoma senator in the New York Times. But he's probably right: Integrating the military will affect morale and unit cohesion. People in the military tend to be socially conservative, and this is a change that undeniably will make them uncomfortable.

But that doesn't make it a valid reason for keeping 'don't ask don't tell' in place.

Look at the logic. Gay advocates say 'the military ban on homosexuals represents a denial of rights to a recognized minority group'. Right-wing legislators respond with 'but letting gays fight in the military is hard.'

This is like telling your Senator that your brother has been imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit, and the Senator responds with 'Well there aren't any buses that go to the prison to take him home, so he'll just have to stay.'


I have no doubt that racially integrating the military in 1948 negatively affected morale and unit cohesion. The military was socially conservative in the 1940s, too. That shit was hard. But it was the right thing to do, so America sacked up, dealt with the consequences and waited for the new normal.


Unless someone comes up with a good reason why gays aren't a legitimate minority, or that they're not worthy of equal treatment (prevalence of 'Ugly Betty' fan club membership, for example), lowered morale just doesn't cut it.

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This is too easy to do to straight people


Me and my brother were on IM last night

Brother: hey man, kicked it with some chicago friends at a club playing house music

Brother: u doing well
Me:  What, you think of me when you hear house?
Me: Cuz I'm gay, or?
Brother: i know youve had to have heard your share of house
Brother: it was pretty good
Brother: 'deep chicago house'
Brother: and there were hella gay dudes in therr
Brother:  u offended?
Me:  hahah. Deeply and thoroughly
Brother: serious?

It's like shooting some heterosexual species of fish. In a barrel shaped like a disco ball.

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“My mother never mentions ‘it’ apart from when she’s making a sarcastic comment”

This is a pretty incredible entry from a pretty incredible blog:

I’m seventeen, and consider myself gay. I’ve told a fair amount of people. My best friend was first. “What?” he said. “You can’t be. I know you too well. It’s just a phase.” That made me smile. A few weeks ago he casually mentioned he always knew. Which version is true I don’t know. Both I guess.

My parents know too. I didn’t tell them. Well no, I did. I didn’t want to though. Both put me in a position where I had to tell them. […] I’m a little bitter about it. It was mine to tell, not theirs to take. They love me though. In their separate ways. My mother was being selfish – why hadn’t her son told her first? My dad was upset – why can’t his son talk about things with him?


I often see boys I like. I try and make eye contact. Invisible. That’s what I must be. Oh wait, no. Of course. Boys like girls. Why would they want to look into my eyes?

Last week I went to London for the day. Lots of boys to look at. No boys looked at me. Only a man with a funny accent twice my age. How naïve can I get? The moment the tone changed and I realised what he wanted, I was scared, upset and angry. A man in central London doesn’t talk to you to be friendly. He isn’t interested in my plans for the future. He’s talking to me because he wants to fuck me.

He was trying to charm me into going back to his house. Why me? Do I look gay? The woman next to me can hear what you’re saying. Help me. But he isn’t saying anything bad. Nothing explicit, nothing even remotely sexual. Just a lot of talk about how we could be “friends.” A lot of talk of how he’d like to “entertain” me. No I’m not writing my number down. I’m doing the Sudoku.

A friend of mine here just came out of the closet at age 29. This is mostly hilarious ('Wait, you guys have never slept with girls? Why not?!') and occasionally poignant.

Here's one of the the comments on that entry:

I still remember feeling some of the things you described, Tim. I tried dating girls. I was a good kisser too. One girl said that when I kissed her it made her knees go all weak. I tried to imagine what that might have felt like.

I found out a few years later when I kissed a man for the first time.

My friend is always surprised that he actually wants the people he dates to call him back. He has literally never felt this before.

It's funny seeing an adult go through all the stuff I manhandled at age 16. There's a whole new world out there for him. It's like watching your grandma use Skype for the first time.

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You can tell the religious right is losing the fight on gay marriage

because they're resorting to this weak shit:

The proposition on the table right now is that our faith itself is a form of bigotry. […] Public opinion hasn't changed much at all. What's changed is the punishment the gay marriage movement is inflicting on dissenters, which is narrowing the circle of people willing to speak.


But the two most important messages I've been telling people: 1. Marriage matters because children need a mom and dad. And 2. Gay marriage is going to effect a lot of people besides Adam and Steve. Because if you disagree with the government's definition of marriage you can expect to be treated like a bigot who opposes interracial marriage.

When I first read this, a few things struck me:

  1. If the '90s taught America anything, it's that no group is too powerful or mainstream to posture as if it's a persecuted minority. The 'narrowing circle' referred to above encompasses 76 percent of the U.S. population, including the president and the overwhelming majority of Congress and the Supreme Court. Note to Christian America: You are not the Kurds.
  2. The anti-gay marriage right has apparently given up on the center. This message isn't crafted to appeal to moderate soccer-parents who just watched Adam and Steve move in next door. The 'you will be persecuted for living your faith' message only serves to rally the troops. They're going for money and turnout, not hearts and minds.
  3. The factual foundation of these arguments is looking sandier by the minute. The statement 'public opinion hasn't changed much at all' is hilarious to anyone who has read a newspaper in the last 6 years.
  4. Since when did opposition to gay marriage become a fundamental component of the Christian faith?
  5. Christians oppose premarital sex too, but that doesn't give them the right to deny employment or housing to unmarried, cohabiting couples. They're not under any particular seige because this is so. 
  6. Besides, it's already illegal in many states to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation. Refusing to hire Brad the Lisping Intern will still be prohibited, whether he's married or not.
  7. By implying that opposition to gay marriage is your faith, they're ignoring the Christians who aren't bothered by same-sex couples. There's a wide range of opinions among religious people on this issue.
  8. OK, I might be making that last part up . Who knows what religious people are up to? I live in Europe! I don't know any! Ahahahah!
  9. I keep waiting for someone to point that this argument ('No, you're the bigot, you unrepentant minority!') is exactly the one that a Muslim would make if he didn't want to work with Jews. 'You're right, Dr. Muhammad. We're monsters for making you compromise your deeply-held beliefs just to kowtow to the forces of political correctness. We'll get the Schwartzes out of the waiting room.'

In other words, can you guys just shut up and let us win already? We need to get through this so we can move on to our real agenda: Polygamy, incest and bestiality.

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