It’s white asparagus season in Germany, so last night I tried to make a traditional spargle-mit-cheese-sauce.
I did everything right: I asked the internet for the best asparagus to buy, the most efficient peeling technique, the proper point for chopping off the base, the correct ratio of boiling water to butter and salt, the recommended cooking time and the approved method for checking done-ness.
‘I’ve got your shit in check,’ I told my meticulously chosen spears, sliding them into the pot.
But they fucking bested me. They came out really tasteless and reedy, like thick blades of grass. ‘Are they supposed to be like this?‘ I thought, chewing like a cow, ‘Or did I forget to ask the internet how to eat them?’
So now I have two options. Either I conclude that my preparation somehow failed and try cooking them again, or I conclude that my preparation was correct, and that Germans just like eating dandelion-ass dinner foods.
There’s no polite way to ask a German person about this. But either way, I’m never asking the internet about anything again.