People in my hometown are a bunch of fucking babies

Critical Mass is a group of a few dozen bikers who cycle together down main streets, deliberately blocking traffic to raise awareness of the difficulty of cycling in Seattle. Like everything else on the crackpot end of the ideological teeter-totter, this achieves precisely nothing. Like that arcade game where you mallet as many peeking groundhogs as possible, whatever awareness the cyclists hope to raise is instantly tamped by the honks, revved engines and 'get out of the road, asshole!' being volleyed at the swarm.

So with the regularity of a menstrual cramp, the road-blocking ride took place last Friday. Take it away, local Seattle TV station:

A demonstration turned violent Friday night after a group of cyclists taking part in the Critical Mass demonstration got into an argument with a driver on Seattle's Capitol Hill. It wasn't clear what sparked the confrontation at 15th and Aloha, but witnesses say they saw about a dozen cyclists surround a white Subaru, blocking in the driver. Apparently, the driver felt intimidated and tried to back up to get away, but he backed into at least two cyclists.

  24 hours later, cyclists and eyewitnesses chimed in


While there is no denying that the cyclists circled the car and trashed it, this was all an attempt to stop the car and driver from possibly hurting anyone else, as the scene they describe in their newscast takes place about 200 ft from the scene where the motorist accelerated from 0 to 40 THROUGH a standing line of cyclists at Aloha and 14th, luckily only injuring two of them as his car was pointed at a group of six. I was standing about 20 feet from the scene and saw the entire altercation.

[...]

Near the end of a particularly hilly ride, on Aloha E near 14th, a driver got pissed that we were blocking both lanes of the road and, after yelling "Get the fuck outta my way, we've got reservations!" proceeded to gun it into a crowd of maybe 11 cyclists! He then backed up and—with a young man on his now broken windshield—drove through the cyclists, some of whom had fallen on the road, again. He tried at this point to flee the scene in his car.

Wait, so the driver is an asshole. May he burn in a hellfire made entirely of molten Ford Explorers.

The uninjured riders absolutely mobbed the vehicle, breaking his back window with a U-lock and stopping the car about half a block later by slashing the front tires. The driver was then pulled from the vehicle by the angry group of riders (a few, maybe 5 or 6?) and assaulted.

A reporter tracked down the victim-slash-assailant:

"As soon as I tried to turn around, they completely corralled me in and were shouting things," Mark says. Although he says cyclists were initially "playfully taunting" him, Mark says the longer he waited, the more aggressive they got. "They wouldn’t let me move even after the rest of the bikes went by, he says, adding that he started to panic when cyclists began tugging on his side mirrors and he heard someone say "let’s tip the car."

Mark says he felt intimidated and was concerned for his safety, so he began to rev his engine. "[I] was going to…try to be macho and scare some people," he says. "I didn’t realize my car was in first [gear]."

Mark says he got out of his car and was immediately struck in the back of a head by a cyclist wielding a U-lock. Mark then told the angry crowd he was "sorry" and "didn't know anyone was hurt," before walking up to where the injured cyclists were. This, Mark says, is when cyclists "completely destroyed [his] car," breaking his windows and slashing his tires.

This behavior is absurdly typical of Seattle. Both sides acting completely fucking retarded, then changing the facts afterwards to make themselves look better. It wouldn't surprise me if a group of self-righteous bikers, wielding U-locks, impotence and clip-shoes, ganged up on a driver and wouldn't let him leave until he snapped. It also wouldn't surprise me if a Seattle driver — imagine an SUV-owning Vermonter, then add eco-guilt and white shame — responded to a quantum inconvenience with an anger supernova, and decided a few broken bike-legs were worth making it to his Denny's reservation on time.

Picking sides in these things is like rooting for Israel or Palestine — they'll let you down every time. I did like this part of the driver's roman a clef, though

I’m gay, the person with me was a lesbian and we were attacked by eco-terrorists. It’s the most Seattle thing that could have happened.

Which is exactly why everyone involved should be banished to South Dakota, milking industro-cows on the most inorganic farm possible, driving a tractor from the trailer to the Wal-Mart and eating bacon-wrapped Snickers and instant coffee for breakfast every day until Jeb Bush is elected president.

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One response to “People in my hometown are a bunch of fucking babies

  1. Wonder if the Critical Mass jazz group from Seattle will have to change their band name? :O)

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