Roskilde Festival program announced

  • BAND OF HORSES: I’m whiny, syrupy and Southern, yet you like me.
  • BATTLES: I’m made of robots!
  • BONNIE 'PRINCE' BILLY: The only thing gayer and more irritating than my name is my voice, persona, music and stage presence.
  • CAT POWER: I hate my fans for having patience.
  • THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS: In spite of being repeatedly awesome, we have achieved a level of American irrelevance rivaled only by the Laserdisc.
  • DAN DEACON: I am the musical equivalent of ironic facial hair.
  • DIGITALISM: It’s still the late 1990s, right? I can still make Aaliyah sounds on the keyboard and set them to high-hats, right?
  • DSL: I am the soundtrack to those iPodded French kids flailing on YouTube.
  • EFTERKLANG: I am awesome and plinky, and it will be weird to see me perform in daylight.
  • FANFARA TIRANA: The Balkans are too rough for any bass in our music. Horns and drums 4 life!
  • JOSÉ GONZÁLEZ: I am The Voice That Launched a Thousand TV Advertisement Montages.
  • GOLDFRAPP: I deliberately alienated by gay fans this year by releasing a non-glam album. I will be beaten to death with a high heel before I can perform this year.
  • HOLY FUCK: People only like me so they can buy my T-shirts
  • HOT CHIP: If you subtract the irony from my lyrics and the synthesizers from my music, I’m actually Elliott Smith.
  • JAY-Z: The last three years of my career can be summed up by the fact that I rhymed ‘Charles Barkley’ with ‘Gnarls Barkley’ on my latest album.
  • JOAN AS A POLICE WOMAN: Don’t tell anyone I’m American. 
  • KINGS OF LEON: You thought I was cool until you found out I was Christian. Not in, like, a ‘Jesus is my homeboy’ way, either. I have, like, wafers with me right now. 
  • LYKKE LI: I am the 1,083rd Swedish chanteuse to become famous in Denmark.  
  • MGMT: And on the eighth day, God made us instantly and inexplicably famous.
  • M.I.A.: Not enough songs use gunshots as percussion.
  • RADIOHEAD: No, we’re still not gonna play ‘Creep’.  
  • THE RAVEONETTES: My dream gig is to play the Under the Sea Dance from ‘Back to the Future’
  • THE STREETS: I am the reason that a popped collar has become the internationally recognized mating dance of the douchebaggia americanus.
  • NEIL YOUNG: I was the embarrassing, undead keystone of a staccato, 70s Parallelogram of Suck called Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. People unfathomably tolerate both my music and my existence. 

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