Tag Archives: funny

Sports and Star Wars

together at last

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Bigotry is like Pac-Man

If you're not gonna be all dignified and Brokeback about it, you might as well have your gay characters be so horrifically stereotypical that they overshoot offensiveness and end up back at acceptable again:

Gay Robot

I'm not being ironic; this shit has me in stitches — every time! — and I can't stop doing the voice. I have no idea if the creators of this meant it as some sort of postmodern gay rights cannonball, or if they truly set out to mock gay culture. Luckily, it's funny enough that I don't give a shit.

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‘That’s barely a sentence’

Best Texts From Last Night entry ever:

(256): You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
(1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
(256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
(1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

You can tell this is from the South because all the aggression comes within an Extra Value Meal of politeness and chivalry.

Furthermore, you can tell I'm getting old by the fact that I had to look up 'shot the fuck out' on Urban Dictionary.

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Social networking 3.0: Widespread mockery

Shut the Fuck Up, Marrieds

Awful Facebook Status

These sites are good illustrations of the snowballing effect of social networking. You sign up to Facebook thinking it's going to help you keep track of events and make it easier to contact your friends. Before you know it, you've got 500 friends, the majority of whom you don't like or only met once, and all of a sudden you're an anthropologist: That's your status update?! Why did you take the 'which genocidal dictator are you?' quiz?! Who are these people?

… and then you post them elsewhere on the internet, so the rest of us can point and laugh. And we'd like to thank you.

UPDATE: OK, this is pretty great too.

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‘So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions’

IT'S SO GOOD. Seriously, I'm never going to achieve productivity again:

(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
 
(314): So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
 
(907): I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
 
(512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
 
(312): She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon
 
(334): Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
 
(760): i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
 
(917): Um, that's called prostitution
(773): Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
 
(913): So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
 
(612): I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
 
(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
 
(216): when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
(1-216): damn…impressive bar tab
(216): no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
 
(518): I hraet yuo
(862): did you say you heart me or hate me?
(518): who is this?

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There is no greater demonstration of the moral universe we inhabit

than my new favorite website, Texts From Last Night. The idea is to send in regrettable text messages (the numbers are area codes):

(704): I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
 
(303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
 
(845): Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
 
(636): I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
 
(305): He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
 
(408): carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
(415): be there in 3 mins
 
(253): I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
 
(323): Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
(562): The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
(323): fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me.
 
(706): hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
 
(727): He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
 
(510): I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
(1-510): It was probably Jesus.
(510): I feel like he would have left a message.
 
(518): I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
 
(916): is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
(1-916): what happened to yours?
(916): i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it…then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
 
(843): Nice meating you last night
(843): Not a typo
 
Roughly 2 things occur to me:
  1. I miss minutiae-obsessed American friendships. It's a joy (seriously) to get random text messages from friends saying 'I'm sitting next to the weirdest guy on the bus' or 'Dude! [description of previous night]'.
    American friendships prioritize immediacy, whereas Euro-friendships go for more of a long-term simmer. There's a case to be made for both, but constitutionally I'm more of a short-term quipper than a long-term delver.
  2. The above repartee is exactly what I was talking about the other day. All of the above statements have more wit, character and connection to the way young people live now than anything I've seen on a 40-foot screen in the last five years. Sell the movie rights, TFLN!

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E.S.S.W.I.A. (Everything Sounds Stupider When It’s Abbreviated)

I love it when smartypants magazines go out of their way to make a funny. Foreign Policy is taking suggestions on the world's worst acronyms. Here's the entries so far:

MANPADS: man portable air defense system

South West African People’s Organization – SWAPO

CHOGM, the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting.

SAP: the German software company that produces the WAY overpriced business solutions apps.

MILF: Moro Islamic Liberation Front in the Philippines?

And more!

To this list I would add my hometown's latest, uselessest attempt at 21st century people-moving — The South Lake Union Trolley. Yep, the SLUT. That's not the official name, but it's entered into common parlance, and Seattleites can be found across the nation saying things like 'have you tried the SLUT yet?'


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You are hella glad your parents didn’t have Google when you were growing up

You just didn't know it before now:

-

I wonder if the person who came up with AutoComplete ever takes a moment to contemplate all the human relationships have been soured as a result of his creation. I wonder if he ever calls up the inventor of the remote control to commisserate.   

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Nice

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Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States of America

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