My Hometown Is Better Than Yours

Seattle is objectively superior to the place you grew up.

Three mountain ranges, four lakes and a fucking Sound. That’s a geographical feature your hometown hasn’t even heard of.

These buildings are made from the compacted dust of the City Halls of every other city on the planet, and symbolize Seattle’s undisputed domination over them.

The ground floor of that church is a Starbucks. Which Seattle invented.

This was taken at noon. We don’t even have daytime. Just sunset, 12 hours per day.

If you wave your arm from the top of the Space Needle, all the waterskiers will get out of your photo.

Bellevue, our eastern suburb. Every single one of those buildings is a mall. People who have a Bellevue stamp in their passports aren’t allowed into Seattle.

You’re only allowed to move away if you sign a non-disclosure agreement promising not to tell anyone how perfect it is.

Ferries, motherfucker. Yeah, that’s how we get to 7-11.

In the ’60s, the federal government tried to confiscate this mountain range under the principle that it’s not fair for one city to have so much view.

All of our pizzas are delivered by seaplane.

We also use them to drop hot dogs on football fans like rice on famines.

See that green space at the bottom of the lake? Microsoft paid for that shit. Our city government is so efficient that billionaires provide all of our public goods.

Seattle is so generous it built a whole synagogue for its six Jews.

Our World’s Fair was so amazing that Seattle is still listed in the thesaurus as a synonym for The Future.

We held an Olympics the same year, but it was so amazing that everyone agreed never to tell the rest of the world about it.

Abandoned gasworks, yeah boooy. The arsenic tainting our lakewater is thicker and more rainbow-colored than yours.

Seattle invented bricks and mortar in the 5th century BC. Then in the 20th century AD, it invented Amazon.com and made them obsolete.

The sun is literally always shining. Those clouds were artificially pumped in because there were out-of-towners visiting and we didn’t want them to stay .

In the ’70s, Seattle’s mayor ordered the curvature of the earth to be flattened here so residents can always see the mountains.

See how there’s nobody biking? Seattle traffic is so generous and efficient that a woman sued the city in the ’80s because it took her more than 7 minutes to get to work.

Seattleites are so inherently well-informed that we decided we didn’t need more than one newspaper to tell us what’s going on in the world.

This is a totem we erected to protect us from Courtney Love.

It’s illegal to serve food in Seattle without a waterfront view. Inland residents regularly starve to death.

Our port is so productive and our people so content that all the union dock workers have voluntarily left for lower-paying jobs.

We shop exclusively at the Pike Place Market. Fish can only be consumed if they’ve been thrown into an old newspaper.

Our library is big enough to service everyone in Seattle who can read.

It was designed and built in complete secrecy. If the governor, mayor or city council had found out about it, they would have blocked it for being creative and aesthetically pleasing.

They have never been allowed inside, obviously.

Our municipal court is so pleasing and efficient that people regularly spend months there before trial because they enjoy it so much.

All that corn that keeps Americans so lithe and healthy arrives here. Seattleites subsist entirely on smoked salmon and cougar-meat. 

The bodies of the new Boeing 787 Dreamliner en route to Xzibit’s house to be pimped.

Bill Gates had this mountain installed outside of his house. When he claps twice, the sun goes down.

Those clouds are made from the vapor of 3 million cappuccinos.

It’s true: From far away, your hometown is less ethereal and photogenic than mine.

Seattle could teach you, but it would have to charge.