IT'S SO GOOD. Seriously, I'm never going to achieve productivity again:
(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.(314): So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.(907): I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.(512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.(312): She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon(334): Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.(760): i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them(917): Um, that's called prostitution
(773): Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money(913): So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized(612): I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT(216): when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
(1-216): damn…impressive bar tab
(216): no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer(518): I hraet yuo
(862): did you say you heart me or hate me?
(518): who is this?