Monthly Archives: April 2008

My country is more Satanic than yours

While doing some research for work the other day, I came across the following map: ‘Progress of the Gospel’. It’s from a Christian website, The Joshua Project, that has information on every people-group in the world, as well as advice on how to convert them to Christianity. Wanna know about the Uighurs of China? Bedouins of Iraq? Algerians in Paris? Want to turn their habitat into Alabama? It’s all there.

 

I like this map because they tacked the most optimistic possible legend at the bottom. The red areas aren’t un-Christian (or even, gasp, Muslim), they’re just ‘unreached’. The blue areas (like, ahem, Denmark) aren’t past Christianity, or 'post-Enlightenment', or secu-liberal abortion-havers. They’re ‘emerging’.

 

I’m interested in those splotches of yellow in the middle of the States. Is that Utah? Was there a Madonna concert in Arizona when this data was gathered? There’s a little strip of yellow on the Georgia and South Carolina coasts as well, right above Florida. I refuse to believe that there’s anywhere in the South where the Gospel is ‘nominal’, so I think those are just the hurricane coastlines that God keeps punishing for being gay.

 

Anyway, I think it’s interesting the infinite ways we regard the world. I’m waiting for a corresponding map, ‘Progress of Godless Sodomy’, cataloguing the gayness of various world regions, from Copenhagen (Emerging) to San Francisco (Fierce!) to Tehran (Un-reacharound).

 

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Why do feminists hate Hillary so much?

Camille Paglia:

I agree that the male staff who Hillary attracts are slick, geeky weasels or rancid, asexual cream puffs

Incidentally, this sounds like the two personae I alternate between on weekdays and weekends, respectively.

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Truth dispatches from home

My Seattle friend, on becoming friends with someone he used to dislike:

One, or perhaps both of us, has become less conceited and self righteous (I'm thinking him, because if anything I think I'm worse).

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My favorite new blog

compiles real IM conversations. Watch:

 

A: In my endless isolated time, my mind has created new compound insults.
A: Through free association at first, but then they became hardened.
A: I’ve found that adding “mother” to specific sex acts creates a much more obscene expression than merely “motherfucker.”
B: I can see that
A: Adding in shit-related stuff really takes it to the next level.
A: If I walked down the street mumbling these things audibly, I’d be sent to an institution.
B: One of my favorites is to use an insult that is completely inane, or simply disturbing. Such as, “Even your momma wouldn’t suck your dick, man!”
B: And then treat it as though it was devastating.
A: That does seem like a sound strategy.
B: I like using “syphilitic”
B: Like “syphilitic dick scar”
A: That is a great one.
A: Herpetic is also fun.
A: “open herpetic sore”
B: Definitely
B: Many of the venereal diseases work
A: You reeking flow of gonnerheal pus!
A: I think we’ve opened a whole new class of insults here that are vastly underused.
A: Don’t accuse the person of even having the disease — just directly call them the symptom.
B: hepatitic B motherfucker
A: You blackened hepatitic liver
A: Hairy anal wart would be nice.
A: Or calling them the hair itself, growing out of an anal wart.
B: shit-stained hair growing out of an anal wart
A: Yes!

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Per severance

You ever look at To Do lists from past weeks and realize that, once it's been a few days and you haven't accomplished something, you just stop trying?

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Great moments in drunken inspiration

My friend who is applying for a job at a bagel shop: Oh my God! What if I made my resume in the shape of a bagel?! They'd totally hire me, right?
Me: Yes! Terrific idea! … wait, seriously?

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