Monthly Archives: December 2007

Overheard at the cafe where I dissertate every morning

[Soft Arabic music is playing. The waitress and the chef are shouting this conversation across the café at each other.]

 

Waitress: This music reminds me of the Olympics.

Chef: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Waitress: You know how they do the slow-motion dancing? This could go along with that.

Chef: I’ve never seen the Olympics.

Waitress: Your whole life, you’ve never seen the Olympics?

Chef: … You know what they should have? Midget Olympics. I’d watch that.

Waitress: Well, the wheelchair basketball is pretty much the same thing…

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“But … Doesn’t he read The Bible?”

This is apparently what my Ohio aunt and uncle said when they found out I was gay.

I think every gay guy has like 30 of these post-gay reaction quotes in their anecdote-satchel. It's one of those rapidly dawning facts of life that, no matter who you are or where you come from, you say some retarded shit when people tell you they're gay.

The best I've ever been told was 'So, like, if you went to prison … you wouldn't care'. But this one is a close second.

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Quoth the magpie: ‘Nevermore’

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Vast and Presents: Christmas in New Zealand

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Chairman Maori

This morning I got up early and headed down to the beach. It's the middle of summer here, but New Zealand gets all of its air directly from Antarctica, so it has 30-degree weather with 8-degree wind. This more or less means that you pack your parka and your sunscreen whenever you leave the house.

The beach was whitecappy paradise, and I hung out at a cafe, slowly choked the life out of The Dissertation That Wouldn't Die, and watched kayakers get gust-raped.

 

Tomorrow I'm off to my favorite new Alps for a surreal summer crispmas. I don't know what proper kiwis do to pageant-up this unholy celebration of a Jewish deity's sketchy birth, but we'll probably end up eating barbecued ham or something.

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Aboriginal gangsta

Ahhhh, sunburn. How I've missed you.

 

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Fjord Explorer

It's been an action-packed week here at the Summertime Ranch. Two days after my arrival I was treated to a visit by a buddy of mine from my halcyon Aarhus days, and we promptly took off on a roadtrip together.

Among the highlights:

Penguins (cute!), albatrosses (huge!), geologically mysterious glacier-rocks (round!) and a colony of sea lions (whiskers!) on the beaches north of Dunedin;

Bush in 07"Sooo, what do we do after we see the rocks?" "Espresso?" "Let's go."Rocking my worldPhoto taken while riding on back of albatrossTaking a break from ... marching, maybe?Sea lions sleep like dracula in New Zealand, apparently

 

A trip to Milford Sound, which is actually not a sound but a fjord and features the verticalest fucking scenery I've ever seen;

I've got 99 problems, but a ditch ain't oneNotice the sealsIf Al Gore gets what he wants, these will be underwater Our vessel, the HMS Don't-think-about-the-exchange-rate

We saw a shitload of dolphinsI'm sure that cliff face will be replaced by a Starbucks next time I'm hereGiac was maimed by a parrot. Luckily tourists were there to document this.Why did my thumbs-up get an abortion?

 

Lake Tekapo and Lake Pukaki (yes, it sounds exactly like 'bukkake'; no, that never stops being funny), two glacier-fed stopoffs in the middle of the South Island's interior, which has roughly the population of a homecoming dance;

I am Italian and brooding and awesome. Your daughter lives with me now. Lakebed meets JewhairSpot the invasive speciesWhat a lushDon't fall in the Pukaki!

Put your chest-hair away; you're in the mountains nowMore epicityIn New Zealand, 'Historic site' means anything older than your grandmaI set my camera to 'symbolic of mankind's insignificance'

 

We frosted it off with a big night out in Christchurch, a 300,000-strong minipolis on the west coast. None of the shenanigans were documented (they sell Red Bull and Jaegermeister together here. That's not fair.), though that's probably for the best. One sleepy bus ride later, I'm back in Dunedin; laid back; with my mind on my dissertation and my dissertation on my mind.  

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Oh no he Dunedin’t.

So here I am, sitting in my parents' house in Dunedin, New Zealand, on a clear, Saturday, summer morning. Getting down here required the unholy convergence of four different flight companies, plus assorted shuttle-buses, customs-lines, quarantines and immig-terrogations, and I'm genuinely suprised I made it on time, alive and un-frisked by the Honh Kong police.

I'll be spending the next few days dissertating and getting my bearings in my parents' old-fashioned, hilly little college town.

 

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Best. Hemisphere. Ever.

Well, this is it. Winter Avoidance '07 starts tomorrow. Here's the current 'tinerary

 

London, UK: 2 days.
I used to live there, Son, and I miss the joint. As well as doing all my Christmas shopping, I'll be beering up with my old Belfast buddy (I call him Troubles) and couch-surfing with Ivan, a Sardinian I used to translate rap lyrics for in Aarhus. Weather and sobriety permitting, my only two goals are to see the Tate Modern and visit my favorite neighborhood sandwich place for a brie-and-bacon toasty. Yes, motherfucker, brie and bacon. Leaving the Healthic countries has its benefits.

Dunedin, New Zealand: 1 month.
I'm officially supposed to be devoting all my New Zealand time to my dissertation, but I'm already getting sidetracked. As well as a 5-day road trip courtesy of another of my favorite Italians from the Aarhus Era, my parents have booked us A Very Mountain Christmas up in Queenstown. My dad'll probably talk me into going fly fishing a few times, plus there's bike-riding, rock-climbing and sheep-counting to compete for my time as well.

This is what I have to look forward to:

 

OK, so it's raining. Look at those temperatures, though. I haven't seen the business end of 60 degrees since July.

Sydney, Australia: 10 days
Yet another of my adulthood-postponement Study Abroads, I haven't been to Sydney since I lived there in 2001. I have no plans for this leg of my journey yet, but between my Sydney friend Chris, who gave me a day-by-day schedule of what I should be doing with my down-under gayness, and Sheila, who is possibly the most culturally literate Sydneysider alive, I should be able to enjoy myself. It's like having an Id and a Superego built into your Lonely Planet guide.

Return to Denmark: Jan 20, 2008:
I'll be coming back to a new year and a new job (is there a patron saint of work visa approval? If so, light a candle for me), and I'm actually excited to see what Denmark is like when you're not stressed out about school and money all the time. Probably about the same, 'cept with less cursing.   

I'll be posting boastful photos of the next six, summerly weeks. Have a good winter without me, Denmark.  

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