Daily Archives: May 28, 2007

“Rocks can’t evolve. Where did they come from, Mr. Darwin?”

If there's one upside to the rapidly metastasizing theocracy in my humble homeland, it's the sheer entertainment value. My brother in strident atheism, Brock, sent me a link the other day to the Creation Science Fair. This is an event which, as the triple-oxymoron name suggests, invites 'science' projects that prove God's existence. Here's the second-place winner in the middle school category:

"Women Were Designed For Homemaking": Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

Do you reckon Jonathan's mom helped him put this blistering critique together? Or was her short ass too busy gathering dirty clothes and lactating?

I was also partial to other projects such as

"My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)" – Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5)

"God Made Kitty" – Sally Reister (grade 3)

"Pokemon Prove Evolutionism Is False" – Paul Sanborn (grade 4)

"Young Earth, Old Lies" – Melvin Knuth & Glenna Reher (grade 11)

"Thermodynamics Of Hell Fire" – Tom Williamson (grade 12)

You just have to respect any subculture that's based on denying things that are demonstrably true (Take a good look at your uncle, Cassidy. The link between him and a monkey might not be direct, but it's there). Just when you think that Scientologists have hogged all the Crazy Pie, the Christians come and cut off a reliably thick slice.

The best project, from my blasphemous perspective, is "Life Doesn't Come From Non-Life":

Patricia Lewis (grade 8) did an experiment to see if life can evolve from non-life. Patricia placed all the non-living ingredients of life – carbon (a charcoal briquet), purified water, and assorted minerals (a multi-vitamin) – into a sealed glass jar. The jar was left undisturbed, being exposed only to sunlight, for three weeks. (Patricia also prayed to God not to do anything miraculous during the course of the experiment, so as not to disqualify the findings.) No life evolved. This shows that life cannot come from non-life through natural processes.

Some would argue that three weeks isn't enough to give evolution a fair chance (and praying against it during the project is just harsh, Patricia), but remember, these people think the world was created in seven days. Three weeks for a lump of BBQ coal to grow into a velociraptor is positively generous.

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